Monday, March 22, 2010

Home is home again.

The last two weeks have been a huge growth and eyeopener to me. Shane was away in England. And as I sit here listening to him play the guitar and sing, I feel like my home is my home again.

First off, I battled with myself while he was away. I have been trying really hard to keep my marriage covenants and put my husband first. Even when I might not want to. So as Shane was away and being lousy at emailing or calling, I kept telling him I loved him and all was well. Meanwhile my blood was slowly simmering to a boil.

Second, it was really great to have a break from structure. Not have to have supper at 6pm every night. We could eat at 4 or 8 and no one really cared. I could sew until midnight, watch what I wanted. But as the weeks progressed, disorderly conduct was taking over my home.

Third, freedom was nice.

The things I learned? First off, its hard to give and you should never offer what you cannot give. So if I say I understand, I need to leave it at that and not let things fester up and boil in my blood. I need to let it go. I should also tell him what my issues are. My last 4 emails were found in his junk folder, so he hadn't seen them to answer.

I also never realized how stable Shane made me. I a am flaky scatterbrain without him. A break is fine, but structure certainly has its place. In fact I think I might prefer it:)

Freedom comes at a price, having him back in my arms last night, his sweet kiss waking me this morning is priceless and irreplaceable. I would give anything to always have it.

Finally for the first time in two weeks I feel like a complete family. Family feels good.

Friday, March 12, 2010

What would you do?

Last night I watched The Time Travelers Wife. I was prepared to not like it, when has a movie ever been as good as the book? Never! Well maybe Lord Of the Rings.... What I wasn't prepared for was the feelings I was left with!

I had the perma-grin on while watching the cute little things they did, the way they fell in love with each other. She knew him her entire life and loved him, she was a stranger to him. He started to get to know her little girls self soon after they met and it was just sweet to hear them talk about it.

As the movie progressed you see that he is soon to die, how difficult would that be to know how, and when you die. To watch yourself die. As he strives to keep the truth of his death from her, not wanting to change her. How would I deal with it?

The kicker for me was at the end, she knew he knew, and she knew the time was now. As they held each other and wept, I couldn't help but think about how I would react? What would I do or say if this was the last moment I would ever see or hold Shane?

Granted him being out of the country, missing him may help bring those feelings close to home. But what would I say. I cried as I thought about it (I love a good cry movie), and I did come to a conclusion.

At that point it wouldn't be so much about words or goodbyes, it would be about keeping those memories. I know I would hold him so tight that maybe I might get to keep him. I know that I would kiss his soft lips that I might remember their feel forever. But what struck me as new, is that I would need to smell him. Inhale him so deep I might forever have his smell in my being. I hadn't ever realized that I loved his smell, I am not talking his nasty work out odor, I am talking his face and hair, if I breath deep enough I can almost smell him right now...

I love my husband more than I could ever describe, we have had many bumps in the road and have not had a blissful perfect marriage. But we do have a love and friendship that is strong and growing. I have come to realize that I have many faults of my own and and that what I put in is what I can pull out. I need to make each day a memory that I would want to last forever.

Breath deep, take it all in, we never know how much time we have left.